i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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