Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
