If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
