Hey man sorry I got all grabby
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
