I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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