peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
