he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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