Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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