i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
