My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
