and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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