When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
