what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
