8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
