Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
