i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
