Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
