I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
