Your dad touched me again.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
two words...techno handjob
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
