This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
