he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Even my vagina gasped.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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