just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
