I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
