A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
