I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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