I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
