I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
