an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
