had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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