Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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