Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
