I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
