So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Pants are for mortals
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
