just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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