Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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