If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
