Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
