My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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