i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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