dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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