Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
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Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
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As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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