oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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