I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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