the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
