Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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