Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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