She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
