I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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