Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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