Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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