Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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