Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
