i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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