I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
