cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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