There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i've created a new STD.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
