Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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