Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
