he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
