We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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