What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
