Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
