Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
