he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
