i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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