I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
