as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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